I cannot remember if Mother Mary Regina has sent me another letter or not, but I did just write her and I will hopefully be visiting the weekend of the 28th. Not too much has happened in recent, but I am discovering a hate for sin that just disgusts me of how much it is everywhere, especially in my life. I am appalled at the things I do that so offence Our Lord! Even the tiniest bit of ingratitude bends me with sorrow that I should do such a thing to my Beloved. How I wish I could amend all my sins against Him. How I wish I could love Him in entirety with everything I have so that I may die of love having given every last part of myself to Him. I pray that God may bless me with fortitude so that I may live so boldly, but ever so humbly.
How much I take for granted. A friend, who is like a spring in a dry barren wasteland, flows forth with joy, purity, and good things. I spurn it, yet long for it. I overtake it and require too much of it. A friend like this I should not do so to. She is a wonderful blessing that shows me that there is hope and that the barren wasteland is truly not like hell. I long for her presence that I may have such deep and encouraging conversations that nourish the soul, even if it may be a short bit of nourishment. When I have a chance to talk with her, she is most kind and patient and honest. She is a role model and a holy person, but in a simple everyday kind of living. She is a true blessing that bring some of the best out of me, things that have remained unsaid, but longed to come out.
Again, I take for granted so much. This computer I use to for so many things, I have not given thanks for. For the clothing that I have and all the shoes to cover my feet. For the soap that keeps me looking clean. Even the hairs on my head and the eyes in my skull. All of it I have taken for granted! All of it! Lord, may my praise be in my sorrowful tears. You have given me so much! So very much indeed! But how does your servant repay you? With nothing but the occasional joyful sigh. I want to bestow you with wonderful glistening thanksgiving and praise! You deserve all that I have and I deserve nothing, not even to live! But you have given me yet this grace to live and to journey to find you! I take this sacred journey the most for granted! I am a poor wretched soul and I only make myself in worse shape by not giving You, Lord, everything! All that I am and all that I have! You are my all! You are my everything! I even take you for granted! I weep bitterly to think that I may have caused You such torment, such suffering, such bitter sorrow. I deserve not Your love, but Your wrath. But here comes Your grace. You come down to me, and continually fill me until I am full! You look past my faults and my fallings and love me with such a sweet and perfect love. You love me so immensely! Your love wells me with joy, my heart illuminates and glows in Your presence, that it may live there forever. But in this love, in this light of love, You show me the darkness within me. The bitter and wretched parts that I have only put there. You show them to me, not to condemn, but to heal. That I may come to You with a complete and contrite heart and clean myself, dispose of my wretchedness. You set my heart aglow. I seem to loose myself in a love so deep, so immense, so unfathomable. How I wish I could dwell there forever. You, Lord, have sent me neither to be a mystic nor to be a great and powerful person. Rather, You send me to do the simplest things to make sure that the little details are cared for, and that all is well. You call me to live out in Your love, but it is hard with the evil one distracting whenever he pleases. Lord, You give me strength enough to face it all, but I alone must choose to accept Your divine assistance, I must be the one to choose to follow You.
